What is it Good For?

Sincerely, the computer literate population.

We recently got a new phone book at my house. As did my parents' house and most of my friends. Everyone keeps asking me one of two questions.

1)Do you need one? We've got to many.
2)What am I going to use this for?

So what can we use these for? I've thought about it and here's my exhaustive list.

a) Find the number to an electrician, tech support, your internet provider. Really, when else are you going to need this but when you can't use the internet? I get the feeling the people who make the phone book either haven't used the internet yet, or are printing these in case the internet ever goes out of style. Either that or they just don't want your Grandparents to be without a telephone directory.

Looks like it was a hot number.

b) Start a fire. We have a fire pit in our yard, and I have a feeling one of our old phone books is going to end up as kindling. I assume the light paper of the phone book will work great. We also save the crappy free paper for this. Anyone know if the print on either of these is dangerous to inhale when burnt? I assume so long as your not right on top of it, your okay, but I'd like to know for sure.

c) Create a cheap step ladder for your child (or wife if she's short). Have a kid who can't reach something cereal related in the morning? Have a wife who can't reach the top of the closet? I have a solution for you, and all I'll need is your credit card number. Wait where are you going? *sigh* Or you could use the phone book for that.

d) Keep your favorite short younger cousin/niece/nephew/sibling from growing taller then you, or your kids for that matter. Go to an Army surplus store and buy a Kevlar helmet, and then tape or nail or screw the phone books on top. Yeah, I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel here. I hated this joke when I was a teenager, I guess as you get older you recycle all the old jokes.

UPDATE:
e) A doorstop as suggested by B@tgirl.

If anyone has any more suggestions I'd love to hear them.