Flick Picks 14: Gulity Pleasure Episode 2

I'm sorry, but this is quite possibly the coolest film logo ever.

Hello, Streakers! Boog here, with another Flick Pick, and, as it's a seventh, it's time for another Guilty Pleasure Episode. This time, I'll start with a question, what, and who, do you think of in terms of movies when the term 'Guilty Pleasure' comes up? Is it a certain genre(shoestring budget horror), or perhaps a certain actor or director you always head for, hiding your head in the video store so no one finds out you actually like most movies Keanu Reeves is in? Wait, did I say that out loud? Crap... Well, yes, Keanu is a go-to actor for me when I want to watch something I know will be funny and entertaining(usually accidentally, but still). Directors are great indicators too. John Carpenter before 1995, for example. Or Wes Craven. In recent years, there has been another name that joined the ranks of good Guilty Pleasure directors: David R. Ellis. Ellis started as a stuntman, and then went behind the camera as and AD(assistant director) and 2nd Unit Director for years, before finally becoming a director himself. His work before this flick includes Final Destination 2 and Cellular. After this, he made Asylum and The Final Destination, as well as three other films coming out this year that all look to be cheesy, bloody, and entertaining. So, David R. Ellis is a name I look for in for fun, bloody films that I don't have to take seriously to enjoy. The star of this Flick Pick is another, Samuel L. Jackson. Now, he's done serious stuff before(and done it well), but usually when you see his name in the credits, you think of one of three roles: Mace Windu(Star Wars), where he was so pompously over the top I actually liked seeing him die, Jules Winnfield(Pulp Fiction), where he was so over the top that you wondered if he lived on Planet Earth, even if he was awesome, and that doctor he played in Deep Blue Sea. The point being, you see that name, you expect an over the top performance, in a cheesy setting, and he'll either be awesome, or be an ass and die, or just die. Here, he doesn't die. He just gets pissed. At Snakes. Yes, my second Guilty Pleasure Episode is going to be on Snakes On A Plane. Sometimes, I love this job. And a massive, two-fanged dose of SPOILERS for which there is no anti-venom.

Did you just take my picture like that? Oh, you're DEAD son.

First. to the masses of internet fans that say "But that movie was awesome!" I tell you, no, it was awesomely entertaining, and therein lies the difference. In all fairness, the make-up effects look incredibly cheesy, the dialogue is sub-par at best, the music is good, and any acting aside from Jackson and the female lead, Juliana Margulies, is stereotyped at best, forced and kinda sad looking at worst. The fact that for the mostpart, that's what they were shooting for, isn't really an excuse, except to be lazy. This film was an experiment, getting everyone hyped by using the internet as the marketing equivalent of showering an AA conference with free bottles of Jack and the Captain, and maybe their buddy Jose. It was a feeding frenzy with everything said, pictured, or otherwise mentioned to the press being another adrenaline shot of "Holy Crap guys, this movie is going to teh best EVAR!" as the teeming internet masses, I must admit here, me included, eagerly awaiting what was promising to be a blood soaked cheese fest.

How much am I getting paid for this again?

Why then, should I call it on that? It delivered everything it promised, a plane, snakes, Samuel L. Jackson, one liners, and every bad horror/thriller cliche it could think of. And I do mean EVERY cliche. We have a incredibly cheesy and hard to see through 'snake cam', Obligatory sex scene, even more obligatory 'naked' deaths, cheesy visual effects, cheesy make-up, bad sex jokes, 2, maybe 3 last minutes saves, one short as hell angry mob scene, and all the stereotypes, the asshole, the rich dude, the annoying chick(who of course needs to be saved once in these movies), the mother, the newlyweds(who of course have to die to force emotion out of us), the buddy type, the badass, the silent until he has to go die partner, the 'unruly teens' who just want to do drugs and have sex, even a cat and a small yappy ass chihuahua who add to the body count to illicit sad emotions from the audience. That doesn't even count the flight crew, that covers any other stereotype I haven't mentioned, like the Slutty flight attendant, the 'man in a woman's job so he must be GAY', the badass chick who happens to be pretty smokin', and the sacrificial 'two days to retirement' old character. And the geeky doctor, but we'll get to him in a bit. This movie has two speeds: SLOW, and After-School Special Plot Resolution. What I mean here is, in a film that is about 100 minutes long before credits, we wait 28 minutes before the snakes even appear, first thanks to an about four minute long opening credit sequence where Ellis indulges his inner stuntman with an admittedly beautifully shot dirt-bike sequence book-ended with shots of gorgeous, gorgeous, Hawaii. or at least someplace in California that looks like Hawaii, as I don't think the Aloha State has any trains. regardless, the scenery is beautiful, and we get the story, small as it is, with the plot character, a guy named Shawn played by Nathan Phillips, watching his dad get murdered by a Chinese gangster. Shawn gets away, only to be attacked at his own apartment, and saved by Samuel L. Jackson, in the first of many plot holes, as his presence there, as a lone FBI agent, no back up, is never looked at or explained. Ever. It bugs me when the plot can't even give the hero a throwaway line to explain his presence.

Wait a minute... What am I doing in this movie?

That said, having used all of eight minutes of film, we now go through the painful process of introducing every other speaking character in this film. Every. Single. One. Most of them you know are going to die, so why spend the time? To try and make us care? All of them are blatant stereotypes, so them even slightly racially insensitive, but then that's the point. They are supposed to pander to the lowest common denominator in the audience, so the viewer can go "oh, I know who/what that is" and not have to be bothered with things like character development. I'll admit that character development usually has no place being in a Creature Feature, as it almost always slows things down, and moves the action away from the Creature being Featured, but the writing here is still minimal at best, with no dialogue that isn't either banal, boring, everyday conversation, or directly related to exposition of the plot. And there's a lot of the second part. You see, we wait three minutes before the snakes attack anything at all, and then NINE MORE Minutes before the first big attack of the film. Leaving about an hour, of which maybe twelve are spent on the ground with another FBI agent trying to score some anti-venom in the only interesting subplot this film has. Which, if you're paying attention, leave only about 48 minutes to kill off about 12 people on the plane, and get through everything else the film needs to have, like the angry mob scene, and the multiple close saves I mentioned earlier. So yeah, after the snakes attack the first time, the action moves like the last five minutes of an after school special. The only thing above par at the start of this film is the music, all the orchestrals handled by Trevor Rabin. His name might seem familiar, and that's because since the 1996 Steven Segal vehicle Glimmer Man, he's had up to five projects a year come out. So most likely, you've seen a movie he did music for at some point. Here his music is kinda phoned in, but it does it's job. Appropriately hyped and edgy when it needs to be, and then runs off to wait for the next scary cue. Which leaves the acting. Which, for 98% of the cast, is pretty damn forgettable. Most of the side characters are just body count, and some thankfully so. The two leads, Jackson and Margulies, are the two sides of the badass coin; he's stoic, fueled by adrenaline and anger, she's quiet, fueled by righteous sadness and a need to help others. Between the two, they're every action hero ever conceived since the Pulp revival era of the 40s . Not that I expect much from this kind of movie, but I would like more than a one-dimensional hero in one of these things. just once.

"I AM ACTING SCARED!!"

So, with all of this kinda hate I've spewed at this, you know, as this is a Guilty Pleasure Episode, that I love the hell out of this movie. I have a sick fascination with Creature Features, and this one is no exception. Sure, the plot is far-fetched, and in quite a few cases, downright impossible. Sure, the dialogue is hammy, tired, bland, other random word for not so good. Sure, most of the effects and make-up look like I could have made them in my garage with latex and paper clips. Sure most of the actors seem like performances bought off E-Bay. It's still FUN. It's played purposefully light-hearted for the part, the deaths are numerous, and sometimes, amusing, even justified, so if you're a fan of high body counts, this one is sure to please. There are a couple of decent jokes, and the scenery outside of the plane is just beautiful. The sheer amount of snakes used in the film(450, if you're wondering) is staggering, and gives some fun to the nature buffs by trying the guess the species for the many reptiles on screen. All told, a gloriously dumb thrill ride with a final count of 31 people, 29 snakes, 1 cat, and 1 dog. What else can I say than it's fun? It knows that if it weren't for internet, no one would think of making a film like it, so it plays up it's campyness to very high levels, and revels in the dumb dialogue and cheesy carnage. Turn off your brain; you won't need it, and enjoy the ride.

NOTE: Any perceived sexism or racism in this or any other review I do is based upon my own view as to how the films themselves are approaching the subject, not my own personal viewpoint. Thank you.