Flick Picks 23: Evil Bong

Also, This is a lie. Chong has 10 minutes on screen, tops.

WARNING: The following review contains references to drugs, drug paraphernalia, and drug use. Potentially NSFW. Got that? Good.
Hello, Streakers! Boog here, having taken nearly a week to get my shit together again(sorry!), bringing you another Flick Pick, the first in a series of four, that, all things being kosher and awesome, will conclude with a retrospective on the man behind the films, and his myriad of companies required to get them funded (I know of about six, I think, at the time of writing this article.).  Now, on to the SPOILERS! The first film I'm reviewing this week, as evidenced by the DVD ad beside me, is 2006's Charles Band's Evil Bong. Yeah, the director's name is actually part of the title. That should clue you in. Also, that trailer is the nicest one I could find, but still features scantily clad women. You have been warned. "But it has Tommy Chong on the cover! Holding a chainsaw! And the rest of the title is Evil Bong! It's obviously dumb, so just sit back and enjoy!" You might say. But then the opening credits start, with "visual effects" that look like they were thrown together by a five year old using a back alley copy of Photoshop 2. The song playing over it is actually pretty good, though, and proper, considering the film doesn't even try to say it's a horror film. It actually wants to market itself as a comedy, but the problem here is, it's not, really.

Here's your leading couple. Scared yet?

 The credits thankfully end, and we get introduced to our hero, the so-stereotypically-nerdy, it makes me want to burn my Star Wars DVDs Allistair, who we know is our hero, as he is the only one of the four beginning characters that DOESN"T smoke weed. He's come by to rent a space from three others, Larnell, a stereotypical stoner, Bachmann, a "surfer dude" type stoner, and Brett, a former college athlete who failed a piss test because, you guessed, he's a stoner. The plot, if it can be called that, moves right along with Larnell buying a gigantic old bong from an ad in the back of a High Times mag. The ad warns against 'bad side effects', and that the bong's previous owner had died. Larnell doesn't care, though, as his one character trait is to be 'all about the high'. One transition from the opening credits later, the bong arrives while Larnell is playing some arcade shoot-em-up cleverly disguised as Super Mario World for the SNES. Once out of the box, Larnell, Bachmann and Brett immediately partake, which just goes to show how little Mr. Band actually know about bongs and bong use. Not that I encourage drug use, but I do happen to know a thing or two about weed accessories. First, the 'bong' in question is a hookah, not a bong. A bong works by having the imbiber fill a receptacle with the drug of choice, light it, and then inhale from the top of the pipe apparatus, creating a vacuum, that then is inhaled by removing the recptacle containing the drug, forcing the built up smoke out the only other avenue, out of the top and into the imbiber.

What they have here is a hookah, which, while similar in construction, works differently, rather like smoking pipe tobacco, only through a narrow tube, and using water for a filter. Bongs also require water, which, as none is ever put in, means that it wouldn't work. However, the sound effect for water is still there, and considering the ad said it hadn't been used since 1969.... ew. Let's move on, shall we? After the initial toking, we finally get to the evil part of the title, as Bachman gets sucked into the bong, and we find that inside the bong are a bunch of pointless cameos, the first being Phil Fondarco, and if you don't know who that is, stop reading this and go watch Willow right now. I mean it. Then, to understand why a little person from a fantasy movie is in this schlock, go watch Doll Graveyard, as Fondarco's cameo is supposed to him playing the character from that film. The second part, is nudity. Lots of tits, which, I believe, Mr. Band has included in about 98% of his films to date. In fact, more screen time in this film is devoted to bare breasts than to Tommy Chong. Which is a shame, really.

Here's your villain. Seriously.

Well, Bachman dies by magic evil skull bra, and yes you read that right, and in turn, Larnell, and Brett fall victim as well, but not before introducing two females to the cast, in Luann, who is 'attached' to Brett, and Janet, who is to be the main love interest. After everyone else falls victim to the bong, Tommy Chong shows up, playing 'Jimbo', the bong's original owner from the 60s, who has finally tracked it down so he can destroy it. Allistair, now having smoked weed for the first time, is in the strip club to save Janet, and runs into old school cult horror and schlock actor Bill Moseley, who gets a special mention here thanks to the fact that his role as Otis in Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects would give the film some more legitimacy. There's also a cameo by Tim Thomerson in here, who some of you might know as Jack Deth from the Trancers films, and others still may have seen him in another Full Moon Feature, Dollman. Here, is supposed to be Deth, but that doesn't make any sense, but then, neither does the ending. Allistair, having found Janet, gives her some instantly working vitamins, which he also takes, and they both escape while Jimbo, having succumbed to the wiles of the bong, blows up himself, and the bong's strip club world, via a bomb he had strapped to himself. Here's the kicker: Every one wakes up. Bachmann, Larnell, Brett and Luann, are all okay after the bong's destruction. Jimbo, as a consolation prize, now runs the metaphysical strip club in the bong's place. Now, I don't mind happy endings, but this implies that had the bong been destroyed within a few days of the original deaths in the 60s, there might have been some former 'victims' waking up wherever they had been buried. Not very nice. All told, the visual effects are poor, the acting is poor, except Tommy, but he's just playing a version of himself carried over from his Cheech & Chong days, so not really trying to hard. Two really weird notes come from the character of Larnell's grandfather, who is a foul-mouthed, mean-spirited asshole who ground the film to a halt by showing up, and almost made me turn off the film in disgust at his character. The second note? How do I put this.... Charles Band likes to present Full Moon features as a whole entity, a universe unto itself. What that means is, if Charles Band produces, directs, or writes it, then it can interact with anything he's written, produced, or directed previously. Here, that equals prop cameos from three earlier Full Moon Features, Doll Graveyard, Gingerdead Man, and Demonic Toys, in that order. Why or how they're here doesn't matter, as randomly throwing shit together is a Full Moon trademark, and, to diehard fans, one of it's selling points. In the end, it's harmless, but for the most part, boring. Other than some low points, like the grandfather, nothing stands out for me as particularly scary (except for two of prop cameos, but that will be explained in the fourth review of this little series) or funny. Not even Chong. Waste of talent, waste of time, waste of film. Now matter how nicely it asks, just don't take a hit from an Evil Bong.